FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish