After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
You Might Also Like
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
#milo
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices