People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Me recordaron éste meme
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
so, is there a mister shapen head
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”