I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
iPhone X
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*