50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
doing some research
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.