I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this