Hard not to take this personally
You Might Also Like
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
happy valentine’s day to me
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”