A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My purse is deeper than some people.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.