[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
this independent good boy don’t need no human
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
this could fix me
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?