Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
You Might Also Like
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
being a writer on Twitter:
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs