i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
i spent way too long on this
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
We’ve all been there
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?