Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I want this so bad
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”