I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Best mom ever 😂
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]