Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend