What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox