A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Simple enough.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.