You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.