If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges