Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Kids: Stay in school.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.