I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
KFC hitting the cannibal market
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume