Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?