Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Doctors texting each other.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Steam Forums
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.