GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*