I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit