[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Woke up against my better judgement again
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil