It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third