*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*Seductively hides in the woods
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice