Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
scares
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*