3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Oh, I bet you would be
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My birth announcement for our third baby
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon