“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*