Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Poetry is my passion
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
😅😅😅
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.