I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.