6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.