I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
when you don’t want to be too vague
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.