It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“You’d better run, egg!”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”