Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now