I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*