In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.