DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
🐕🍷
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8