[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
you gotta be faster
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet