ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
#Caturday
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Software Development ⛵️
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.