“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
PARKOUR
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’d hang this in my house.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?