I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST