ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: how are you
Friday: good
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down