Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.