Jesus Christ lmao
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
🍞🦆
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.