“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Lmfao
i now pronounce you bounced.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
*gets down on one knee*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.