Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
A French press is when you hug naked
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Seems kinda suspicious
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.