Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Every time my phone rings
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
bout dat hot dog summer
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
What Bob, you’re interrupting.