Found my door mat
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Can Happiness buy money?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son